fuckyeahtumblrr

me mudo a http://indiesse.tumblr.com

there will be no miracles in here.

fruit machine

You keep playing me like a fruit machine
Putting in change systematically
Winning streak that you had over me
Has turned into your broken tragedy
You’ve hit the bottom one hundred times before
Now feel the fever as I leave you wanting more
You thought you could turn and walk away
Taking chances that weren’t yours to take
Win? I don’t think so my foolish boy!
Watch the next one taking all the joy
Hold me, nudge me, spinning me around
Where’s the money? Can’t hear that clinking
Ka-ching, Ka-ching
Ka-ching, Ka-ching
Ka-ching, Ka-ching
Ka-ching, Ka-chinggg!
You keep playing me like a fruit machine
Overstretch your generosity!
Thought of bandits leading you astray
The little we had, you’ve thrown it all away
Go! Go! Go! (Yeah you’re on a roll)
Go! Go! Go! (Yeah you’re on a low)
Go! Go! Go! Go!
You find it hard to stop now
You’re running like a steam train
Oh, I like the way that you do that
Ka-ching, Ka-ching!

f#ck

I love you and it hurts and I know it's stupid and you don't give a shit. Maybe all the unused feelings I had for the past months of being alone have been poured into you simply because there isn’t any other outlet. But that’s just me being logical. Being logical about feelings that are so illogical I laugh at myself because I find the entire concept of falling head over heels utter nonsense. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I wish I could escape. I wish I could go somewhere else, where everything didn't constantly remind me of you. Just run away. God, I feel so dumb.

I just don't understand.

I’ve always been able to control everything, except for my heart, especially around you. When you walk into a room, there is no controlling that light-headed feeling along with a serious bout of butterflies. No matter how many times my head has tried to talk myself out of you, it seems to me, that love conquers all sorts of rationality.
You proved not to be ready for any sort of serious commitment, and now you may be, but I’m far too afraid to ask. I want you and your heart so terribly bad, but my fear of rejection is crippling me.
We’ve had our ups and downs. I’ve convinced myself I hated you, I’ve convinced myself you didn’t care about me. I’ve told all my friends that you are a silly guy who I could do much better than, and they agree. But I always let you right back in. It is like you are the only person who I’ve ever given a key to my heart. You know my goals, my hopes, my fears, my struggles. I can try to hide them from you with my sharp words and short answers, but you are the only one who seems to be able to read the thoughts right behind my eyes, and I don’t want anyone else. I can’t say I will wait for you, but my heart knows I will. I’m so afraid you will fall for someone else. With you, I never really know. Could your charm be deceiving me into thinking that you really care? That is what my head tells me, night after night. But when you ask me how i'm dealing with life and tell me you believe in me, it's hard to think that you are just trying to be nice. And then you start acting strange. Your texts are cold, you are online for five minutes and then you're gone, you talk to other girls... And I hate it. I hate myself for putting me in such jeopardy. When I don't talk with you for a while, the feelings are intensified even more. It is so hard for me to resist you, and I wonder if you feel the same way. And even if you do, I wonder if you are too afraid to do anything about it. You are my puzzle. I can control every other aspect of my life, but my feelings for you never seem to dwindle. I just wish we could start putting this puzzle together.

A list of feelings

nostalgia
longing
anxiety
anticipation
contentment
elation
love
understanding
nervousness
decisiveness
melancholy
hopefulness

A smidgen of radiance

I've done a lot of thinking lately. The kind of thinking that only occurs when you're pressed between bedsheets and the clock is staring back at you in bright red 3am's and your mind is playing a constant loop of memories you'd rather forget. Let's face it: My love life is pretty much a giant shit show. I've had my heart ripped out of my chest one too many times at the young age of 18. It's a mix of youthful idealism and hope and a desperate desire to believe in someone against all odds. It's the lure of breathing in a familiar smell while tucked in the arms of someone you've silently loved for years, even though better judgment says he'll hurt you again. Now we are together, but just friends. You are there for me to get over my many mistakes. You are still nursing a bruised and broken heart. You make me want to believe in something – in wishing on shooting stars and being just friends. I thought that I just needed you as a friend. Just you. Nothing more. Nothing less. You are someone to share my secrets with and to cuddle up with when I am having trouble sleeping. You are someone who makes me smile. I thought this was enough. Turns out, it isn’t anywhere near enough. You know just how to wind me up and you get annoyed over silly things. We have our flaws and our little arguments, but you were the one who taught me how to love. I love your hugs. I love your enchanting smile. I love the many things you do. I love how cute you look when you’re angry. I love how you’re shy. I loved it when I could feel you smiling when we kissed. I loved our snuggles. I love how you make me laugh. That's why I love you, your million different characters never failed to interest me. I just love you for you. I can’t explain why, it transcends explanation. Like I'm talking head over heels, stars in your eyes in L-O-V-E. I love you with all my heart even though I know you aren't perfect. But I know this is the best for us because I'm learning. It really is the hardest way but that's the only way. This pain lets me know that I'm capable of feeling. Sadness was, for months, the only passion that let me know there was blood in these veins. I thought a lot about how I could never really figure you out, because at times you would lock yourself up in your own little world, one I could never get access to. I could sometimes find this mesmerization amusing, interesting, but then it had got me feeling more and more left out, until I found myself standing on the outside of your snowbubble, knocking on the glass. And I thought about life before you, how my world used to be, what I used to be into, what I used to think mattered. And I thought about how life would be after you. And my thoughts ran to how you made me see things from a different point of view, how I sometimes managed to see through the keyhole to your galaxy, how coffee tasted better when you sat opposite the table telling me one of your stories, how times with you I then thought of bad actually now seemed better than anything else I could ever see in the future without you. Now I can appreciate everything. Most importantly, I appreciate you. Could this all be real, will I finally get my happily ever after? I guess I'll wait with my heart longing, impatiently, for your comeback.