Even crawling is moving forward.

When you left the second time around, i didn't know what to do with myself. I was broken, hopeless, hurt, cold, scared, depressed... I just wanted you back. I would unfriend you from Facebook and msn hoping that you'd miss me, or that something in your stupid brain would click and you'd want me again. I would spend my days just sitting in my room, thoughts running through my mind like a busy highway. I would just cry, and cry, and cry. And just when time had passed and i was finally getting better, something would set me off and i'd pour my heart out. And then i would move on again, and then i would relapse and dream of you. And then i would get hurt and move on again, and then something would set me off two months later and i'd be back to talking to you. I was pathetic, i'll be the first to admit it. But a broken heart makes you do unthinkable things. It makes you crazy. For the longest time, i just felt broken. That's the only way to describe it. I wanted to give up on my life, on my heart, on love, on men. I would go out, have too many drinks, be with guys, lead them on, play with their heads... just to get back in some way, even if it wasn't directly to you. I wanted to be heartless. I truly felt like I would never feel for another man the way i felt for you, so why even bother trying? I felt like a zombie. Actually, i just felt nothing at all. You were moving on with your life. You were now a stranger. You were happy without me. And time just slowed down for me.

It's been 8 months since you left me. It's been a month and a half since my last relapse over you. I'm finally getting the cue to move on. My heart is finally getting tired of beating in hopes that you'll come back. My mind is finally tired of replaying memories and haunting me with dreams. My fingers are finally tired of typing out your phone number. My lips are finally tired of craving yours. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, time is crawling on, but even crawling is moving forward.

WATCH ME

En realidad hay un montón de cosas que desconozco, y otras que conozco y no entiendo. Pero teniendo en cuenta eso no hay mucha diferencia entre ver las posibilidades "como son" y verlas como yo quiero que sean. Si igual no va a cambiar nada, soy más feliz. Y si tener fe me ayuda a alcanzar lo que quiero, mucho mejor. Pero necesito que me dejen equivocarme como yo quiera, cuando yo quiera, y cuantas veces quiera, hasta que aprenda la lección que tenga que aprender. Ya experimenté el escuchar opiniones y opiniones y opiniones, y después ver como ninguna tenía razón excepto la mía. Si todos siguiéramos nuestro instinto, el mundo sería un lugar muchísimo mejor; la gente tiene que aprender a jugarse más por lo que quiere, si total en 100 años nadie se va a acordar de los errores estúpidos que cometamos, por qué no jugarnos ahora que todavía estamos a tiempo?

I feel so dumb

I said
leave!
but all I really want is you
to stand outside my window
throwing pebbles
screaming,
"I'm in love with you."

right now

Ultimamente me parece que siento menos. No se, a lo mejor es como un mecanismo de defensa que creé sin darme cuenta, como ya me pasaron tantas cosas fuertes, lindas y feas, decidí inconscientemente no sentir tanto, hacer como que no me afecta. Pero me pasa que así como me tocan menos las cosas tristes, ya no disfruto tanto las que me gustan, y en definitiva, me siento vacía. Y ahora me doy cuenta de por que tenemos que sufrir para ser felices; si no la vida sería toda igual, gris, llena de nada. No apreciás algo que conseguís al primer intento, pero si fallás diez veces, te hace feliz la idea de triunfar. Por eso quiero volver a sentir como antes, reirme hasta llorar, o llorar por lo que tenga ganas en vez de hacerme la fuerte. Porque tambien extraño esa sensación de alivio que viene despues de llorar, ese desahogo que tanto necesito, porque tengo algo adentro que no quiero guardar más. Me cansé de esto, así que voy a intentar volver a ser como antes.