fuckyeahtumblrr

me mudo a http://indiesse.tumblr.com

there will be no miracles in here.

fruit machine

You keep playing me like a fruit machine
Putting in change systematically
Winning streak that you had over me
Has turned into your broken tragedy
You’ve hit the bottom one hundred times before
Now feel the fever as I leave you wanting more
You thought you could turn and walk away
Taking chances that weren’t yours to take
Win? I don’t think so my foolish boy!
Watch the next one taking all the joy
Hold me, nudge me, spinning me around
Where’s the money? Can’t hear that clinking
Ka-ching, Ka-ching
Ka-ching, Ka-ching
Ka-ching, Ka-ching
Ka-ching, Ka-chinggg!
You keep playing me like a fruit machine
Overstretch your generosity!
Thought of bandits leading you astray
The little we had, you’ve thrown it all away
Go! Go! Go! (Yeah you’re on a roll)
Go! Go! Go! (Yeah you’re on a low)
Go! Go! Go! Go!
You find it hard to stop now
You’re running like a steam train
Oh, I like the way that you do that
Ka-ching, Ka-ching!

f#ck

I love you and it hurts and I know it's stupid and you don't give a shit. Maybe all the unused feelings I had for the past months of being alone have been poured into you simply because there isn’t any other outlet. But that’s just me being logical. Being logical about feelings that are so illogical I laugh at myself because I find the entire concept of falling head over heels utter nonsense. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I wish I could escape. I wish I could go somewhere else, where everything didn't constantly remind me of you. Just run away. God, I feel so dumb.

I just don't understand.

I’ve always been able to control everything, except for my heart, especially around you. When you walk into a room, there is no controlling that light-headed feeling along with a serious bout of butterflies. No matter how many times my head has tried to talk myself out of you, it seems to me, that love conquers all sorts of rationality.
You proved not to be ready for any sort of serious commitment, and now you may be, but I’m far too afraid to ask. I want you and your heart so terribly bad, but my fear of rejection is crippling me.
We’ve had our ups and downs. I’ve convinced myself I hated you, I’ve convinced myself you didn’t care about me. I’ve told all my friends that you are a silly guy who I could do much better than, and they agree. But I always let you right back in. It is like you are the only person who I’ve ever given a key to my heart. You know my goals, my hopes, my fears, my struggles. I can try to hide them from you with my sharp words and short answers, but you are the only one who seems to be able to read the thoughts right behind my eyes, and I don’t want anyone else. I can’t say I will wait for you, but my heart knows I will. I’m so afraid you will fall for someone else. With you, I never really know. Could your charm be deceiving me into thinking that you really care? That is what my head tells me, night after night. But when you ask me how i'm dealing with life and tell me you believe in me, it's hard to think that you are just trying to be nice. And then you start acting strange. Your texts are cold, you are online for five minutes and then you're gone, you talk to other girls... And I hate it. I hate myself for putting me in such jeopardy. When I don't talk with you for a while, the feelings are intensified even more. It is so hard for me to resist you, and I wonder if you feel the same way. And even if you do, I wonder if you are too afraid to do anything about it. You are my puzzle. I can control every other aspect of my life, but my feelings for you never seem to dwindle. I just wish we could start putting this puzzle together.

A list of feelings

nostalgia
longing
anxiety
anticipation
contentment
elation
love
understanding
nervousness
decisiveness
melancholy
hopefulness

A smidgen of radiance

I've done a lot of thinking lately. The kind of thinking that only occurs when you're pressed between bedsheets and the clock is staring back at you in bright red 3am's and your mind is playing a constant loop of memories you'd rather forget. Let's face it: My love life is pretty much a giant shit show. I've had my heart ripped out of my chest one too many times at the young age of 18. It's a mix of youthful idealism and hope and a desperate desire to believe in someone against all odds. It's the lure of breathing in a familiar smell while tucked in the arms of someone you've silently loved for years, even though better judgment says he'll hurt you again. Now we are together, but just friends. You are there for me to get over my many mistakes. You are still nursing a bruised and broken heart. You make me want to believe in something – in wishing on shooting stars and being just friends. I thought that I just needed you as a friend. Just you. Nothing more. Nothing less. You are someone to share my secrets with and to cuddle up with when I am having trouble sleeping. You are someone who makes me smile. I thought this was enough. Turns out, it isn’t anywhere near enough. You know just how to wind me up and you get annoyed over silly things. We have our flaws and our little arguments, but you were the one who taught me how to love. I love your hugs. I love your enchanting smile. I love the many things you do. I love how cute you look when you’re angry. I love how you’re shy. I loved it when I could feel you smiling when we kissed. I loved our snuggles. I love how you make me laugh. That's why I love you, your million different characters never failed to interest me. I just love you for you. I can’t explain why, it transcends explanation. Like I'm talking head over heels, stars in your eyes in L-O-V-E. I love you with all my heart even though I know you aren't perfect. But I know this is the best for us because I'm learning. It really is the hardest way but that's the only way. This pain lets me know that I'm capable of feeling. Sadness was, for months, the only passion that let me know there was blood in these veins. I thought a lot about how I could never really figure you out, because at times you would lock yourself up in your own little world, one I could never get access to. I could sometimes find this mesmerization amusing, interesting, but then it had got me feeling more and more left out, until I found myself standing on the outside of your snowbubble, knocking on the glass. And I thought about life before you, how my world used to be, what I used to be into, what I used to think mattered. And I thought about how life would be after you. And my thoughts ran to how you made me see things from a different point of view, how I sometimes managed to see through the keyhole to your galaxy, how coffee tasted better when you sat opposite the table telling me one of your stories, how times with you I then thought of bad actually now seemed better than anything else I could ever see in the future without you. Now I can appreciate everything. Most importantly, I appreciate you. Could this all be real, will I finally get my happily ever after? I guess I'll wait with my heart longing, impatiently, for your comeback.

He heals me.

Told him my biggest secret
And he told me four.
He smiled at me and said:
that makes me love you more.
And then he made me laugh,
And I knew it was a sign
That he was a man that I wanted in my life.

And with every passing day,
I feel more and more of that way

He heals me,
He knows the real me,
And he accepts me, he never hurts me.
He heals me,
He knows the real me,
And he accepts me, he never hurts me.
He heals me,
He heals me.

I can play him songs,
all through the night,
And he will listen to every line,
And even when I'm wrong, he is still kind

He chooses his words wisely
when he tells me I'm not right.

And yes he is a beautiful man,
But he is also a beautiful friend.

He heals me,
He knows the real me,
And he accepts me, he never hurts me.
He heals me,
He knows the real me,
And he accepts me, he never hurts me.
He heals me

The moment that we met, he made me smile.
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea, how long he'll be here
A season or a lifetime, forever or a year.
But for the first time in my life I'm not worried about the future,
Because we have such a wonderful time when we're together
However things turn out, it's all right
Cause he's already changed my life.

He heals me,
He knows the real me,
And he accepts me, he never hurts me.
He heals me,
He knows the real me,
And he accepts me, he never hurts me.
He heals me.

& time will fly

I get weak I get weary I miss sleep I get moody
I'm in thoughts I write songs I'm in love
I walk on.
Fingers crossed, my time is coming now.

Don't you go.

I didn't think, I experimented.

Even crawling is moving forward.

When you left the second time around, i didn't know what to do with myself. I was broken, hopeless, hurt, cold, scared, depressed... I just wanted you back. I would unfriend you from Facebook and msn hoping that you'd miss me, or that something in your stupid brain would click and you'd want me again. I would spend my days just sitting in my room, thoughts running through my mind like a busy highway. I would just cry, and cry, and cry. And just when time had passed and i was finally getting better, something would set me off and i'd pour my heart out. And then i would move on again, and then i would relapse and dream of you. And then i would get hurt and move on again, and then something would set me off two months later and i'd be back to talking to you. I was pathetic, i'll be the first to admit it. But a broken heart makes you do unthinkable things. It makes you crazy. For the longest time, i just felt broken. That's the only way to describe it. I wanted to give up on my life, on my heart, on love, on men. I would go out, have too many drinks, be with guys, lead them on, play with their heads... just to get back in some way, even if it wasn't directly to you. I wanted to be heartless. I truly felt like I would never feel for another man the way i felt for you, so why even bother trying? I felt like a zombie. Actually, i just felt nothing at all. You were moving on with your life. You were now a stranger. You were happy without me. And time just slowed down for me.

It's been 8 months since you left me. It's been a month and a half since my last relapse over you. I'm finally getting the cue to move on. My heart is finally getting tired of beating in hopes that you'll come back. My mind is finally tired of replaying memories and haunting me with dreams. My fingers are finally tired of typing out your phone number. My lips are finally tired of craving yours. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, time is crawling on, but even crawling is moving forward.

I choose

Because you never know where life is gonna take you
and you can't change where you've been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose.

Here am I now looking at 30 and I got so much to say
I gotta get this off of my chest, I gotta let it go today.
I was always too concerned about what everybody would think
But I can't live for everybody, I gotta live my life for me
I pitched a fork in the road of my life and ain't nothing gonna happen unless I decide.

And I choose
to be the best that I can be.
I choose to be authentic in everything I do
My past don't dictate who I am. I choose.

I done been through some painful things I thought that I would never make it through.
Filled up with shame from the top of my head to the soles of my shoes
I put myself in so many chaotic circumstances, but by the grace of God I've been given so many second chances.
But today I decided to let it all go. I'm dropping these bags, I'm making room for my joy.

And I choose, to be the best that I can be.
I choose to be authentic in everything I do,
My past don't dictate who I am. I choose.

Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you've been.
But today, I have the opportunity to choose. (Hey hey)
I used to have guilt about why things happen they way they did 'cause life is gone do what it do.
And everyday, I have the opportunity to choose.

From this day forward I'm going to be exactly who I am.
I don't need to change the way that I live just to get a man. (NO!)
I even had a talk with my mama and I told her the day I'm grown,
"from this day forward, every decision I make will be my own." And hey!

And I choose to be the best that I can be.
I choose to be courageous in everything I do,
My past don't dictate who I am.
I choose.

Easy like Sunday morning
Like an angel calling
He's taking me all in
I'm embracing him with my skin
Like a glimmer of light
Like a vision of life
And he's so perfect that I couldn't picture him if I tried

See some may come
Some may go
But I'll follow you wherever, you're the perfect mate for my soul
And I know why I lose control whenever I'm around you cause you given me

Your hand
And that's more than enough
Your glance
Is like jumping in the river of
Jordan
Purify me baby

It's like summertime always
Like it's sunny out all day
Whenever you smile
Sweeter than momma's homemade
And I thought every man was made the same way
But in a world of smoke and ashes boy, your are milk and honey.

See some may come,
Some may go
But you fill me up with your love
You're nourishment to my soul
And I know why I loose control
Whenever I'm around you
'Cause you've given me...

I want it to be us, us two against the universe.

I often wake up and wish that we could fast forward through college and start our lives together. But when I really think about it, why rush? you're mine forever, might as well soak up every second. I never wanted to be one of those people who married their high school sweetheart, but things have a funny way of working out. So here's to loving you more with every beat of my heart. Forever.

"3 years ago, I tried to kill myself."

When my best friend found out, he dropped everything and came to see me even though we were fighting.

While laying next to me, he ran his fingers through my hair and said 'You can't die, I love you too much.'

We just got married last week.

Their LGMH.

Complicated melody

If he were a color,
He'd be a deep dark forest green
If he were a car,
He'd be a long stretch limousine
With room for all of humanity inside
Cause he is so giving
And he is so wise
If he were a number
He'd be a five, cause he has such a brilliant mind
If were an animal
He'd be an ass cause he's so stubborn sometimes

But if he were a song,
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he,
I almost can not sing it on key.

But he means the world to me

If he were a building
He'd be a beautiful cathedral
Cause he's so traditionally spiritual
If he were a dance
He'd be complicated like the tango
Exotic like a mango
But if he were a song
He'd be a complicated melody
That complicated fellow he,
I almost can not sing it on key.

But he means the world me
He ain't the reason for the sun and the moon,
He is just the reason for this here tune
Cause he means the world to me,
Said he means the world to me
Me, me, me, yes
He means the world to me.

Complicated melody, that complicated fellow
He's a complicated melody, I almost cannot sing it on key.

Wings of forgiveness

I just want you to know, after everything that we've been through,
I just want you to know that I still love you, that I still love you

Had to go across the water
just to find what was here in my heart all along
spent so much time trying to be right
that I was dead wrong
if Nelson Mandela can forgive his oppressors
surely I can forgive you for your passion,
you're only human
let's shake free this gravity of resentment
and fly high, and fly high

You're only human
let's shake free this gravity of judgment
and fly high on the wings of forgiveness

Had to run to the arms of curiosity, just to find what was here in my life all along
I had found that the art of simplicity
simply means making peace with your complexity
if Gandhi can forgive persecution, surely you can forgive me for being so petty

I'm only human
let's shake free this gravity of resentment, and fly high, and fly high
You're only human,
let's shake free this gravity of judgment,
and fly high on the wings of forgiveness.

I've searched for romance, flowers and affection
what I found is a lesson of what love really is
found the game of love is not about how much you can take
In fact authentic love is about how much you can give

After everything that we've been through I just want you to know that I still love you
I want you to know that I forgive you,
(thank you for teaching me how to give)
And I wanna let you know how much you changed my life
I wanna let you know, you taught me how to fly
and I wrote this song to tell you this: I'm better 'cause you taught me how to give.

I took a swim in the sea of guilt and misery
to find myself on an island, in the middle of nowhere
in my solitude, I asked to know the highest truth
and what I was told is to let own self be true.

If Jesus can forgive crucifixion, surely we can survive and find a resolution
Let's keep it moving
let's shake free this gravity of resentment and fly high, and fly high
You're only human
let's shake free this gravity of judgment and fly high, and fly high
let's keep it moving let's shake free this gravity of commitment
and fly high on the wings of forgiveness

After everything that we've been through I just want you to know that I still love you
I want you to know that I still love you
and I wanna let you know how much you changed my life
I wanna let you know you taught me how to fly
And I wrote this song to tell you this:
I'm better 'cause you taught me how to give

I still love you
I want you to know,
I still love you
want you to know,
I still love you (and I always will love you)
and I wanna let you know
I forgive you
I wanna let you know that I still love you.

can't help this feeling

yeah you.

I thought I would be content just to get your friendship back. But I always want more and more and more, it's kinda hard not to like you.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

- author unknown